Gedalia's Journey Final Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Life as a Father, and the Future

The twins, whose first names Braverman requested not be used for this story, just celebrated their first birthday in mid-November. Now that their personalities are beginning to develop, he observes the differences.

"She's much more cerebral, she's less physical, she concentrates on things and takes her time to study and really figure them out," says Braverman about his daughter. "He's physically tough, falls and hits himself, and he's rambunctious, and sort of gets up and goes," he said of his son.

While at times he wishes he had become a father 20 years ago, he also sees the advantages of being a new parent at 50. He believes a person must go through many obstacles in their youth in order to learn to "get down to the basics of what's really important in life, and it gets easier to make good decisions."

Another advantage of becoming a parent later on in life, is the financial aspect. "I knew that I wanted to do this for years. I saved, I put money aside... I didn't want the stress of trying to finance a particular loan, and then having kids and having a mortgage on my children," said Braverman.

Thanks to the businesses he developed years ago, he was able to afford the journey to parenthood, and has even taken time off work in order to be with his children.

Every day, he takes the twins out for two major activities, which can be the museum, an art center, or recreation center. "I've come to the realization that it doesn't matter whether we go to a museum, shopping center or supermarket, it's all new stimulation to them, they love it," said Braverman.

In the midst of this new life, and having achieved his dream, Braverman has only one regret. He should have done this sooner, if only to be able to have more children. "If I had done it then, I would have had three or four children, and I think I was always meant to be a parent of several children."

It is hard not to notice how well behaved the kids are, and how Braverman appears to be in his element as a father. "I don't feel at all daunted, I don't feel overly exhausted or overwhelmed, and I think I have easy children because I create easy children by providing a lot of structure ... a lot of predictability for them and stimulation," he said.

Of course he has the regular challenges for every parent, like getting time for enough food and sleep. In addition, being a single dad doesn't leave much time for romance, which is just fine with Braverman. He gets plenty of fulfillment from his family of choice and friends.

"I don't feel a void in terms of having a relationship because I feel I get a lot of what a relationship provides." Through his family and friends, Braverman experiences "intellectual stimulation, I get respect, I get friendship, I get companionship," he said.

While he doesn't completely dismiss the idea of a relationship sometime in the future, at the moment, it is the last thing on his mind. "It's hard for me to imagine loving anyone as much as I love my children," and Braverman knows this could be difficult for a potential partner to accept.

When asked if he worries about his children facing discrimination or harassment for having a gay dad, Braverman doesn't seem too preoccupied. When people see him with the babies around the neighborhood, they usually assume he is a heterosexual father who's wife is at work.

Things can get a little complicated when they meet someone new, who asks about the children's mom. If he is in the mood, Braverman will make an effort to explain the process of fertility treatments and surrogacy, which isn't always easy.

Other times, if Braverman is accompanied by a female friend, people will assume she is the mother. "Sometimes I correct people, sometimes I'm like, yeah, she's the mother ... if someone is really aggressive, I'll just be like, she's dead," said Braverman, as he tried to suppress a laugh.

Though he is not naive about the world, and about society's perceptions on single parenting, homosexuality or assisted reproduction, he is optimistic about his children's futures. While he would like to see them travel and see the world, ultimately, he just wants what every parent wants for their kids: health and happiness.

"I don't care whether they want to be dancers or philosophers or doctors or artists, whatever, as long as they're happy with who they are and are passionate about their life."

Gedalia's Journey Chapters 5 & 6

Chapter 5: Pregnancy and Birth.

When Braverman began telling his friends and family that he was finally going to become a parent, nobody was all that shocked, after all, they knew of his lifelong dream. The surprise came when he told them his relationship was ending, and that he would be embarking on the journey as a single parent. Oh and by the way, he wanted twins.

Braverman had dreamed not only of parenting, but of having multiple children. Having one pregnancy was costing him approximately $150,000. Not to mention the entire process takes about a year. For each additional pregnancy he would have to pay the amount and invest the time all over again.

He was starting the process at 48, and would be 49 when a child was born, if all went well. "I didn't want to have another child at 51, 52. I also didn't know whether I was going to get pregnant the first time," he said. In some cases, if things don't all go smoothly, it can take years to successfully conceive and carry a term.

"So given that, I really wanted to have as many kids as possible, as quickly as possible, within reason." While a twin pregnancy carries more risks than a singleton, Braverman's surrogate had carried twins before, increasing her chances of a successful pregnancy.

With this added confidence, the doctors at San Francisco's Pacific Fertility Center agreed to transfer two embryos. Sometimes, when dealing with infertility problems, more embryos will be implanted in order to increase the chances of one of them succeeding. However, PFC took a conservative approach and only allowed for the transfer of two.

Both embryos made it through, and for some time, Braverman thought he was having two girls, until an ultrasound revealed it would be a boy and a girl. The pregnancy went well for some time, but then there were complications that required the surrogate to take bed rest. "Her life and the children's life were at risk and it was very touch and go the last couple of months," said Braverman.

Finally, the delivery day came, and it was also difficult. The surrogate was in labor all day and in a lot of pain. "It was hard seeing her go through that, she was very gracious about the whole thing," said Braverman.

Because of the twins, the birth had to take place in an operating room, rather than a birthing room, so only Braverman and the surrogate's husband were inside for the actual delivery. However, outside, everyone involved was present: Braverman's mother, his best friend, the egg donor, the surrogate's mother, sister and grandmother in law.

The surrogate was in the hospital for two days prior to the birth, but always accompanied by one of the people in the support network.

Despite the long hours of pain and uncertainty, Braverman felt supported by the hospital staff. "Not a lot of hospitals deal with single gay men, coming in to become a single parent of twins, and I wanted to make sure that the entire environment around the birth was one that affirmed me and my family to be."

In the end, the pregnancy was a success and Braverman became the father of healthy baby twins. Unfortunately, the surrogate ended up loosing her uterus.

"I felt horrible, I felt really horrible about it. Even though for months prior to the delivery of the children, she was clear that she did not want to have any more children, nor did she want to be a surrogate again," remembers Braverman.

"Even after the hysterectomy (she) told me repeatedly that she had no regrets ... and she was so happy for me to have been able to become a father, and our relationship continues, so it speaks of what kind of person she is."

Chapter 6: We've Come a Long Way

Braverman has seen a lot of changes in his day. Even when homosexuality was relatively accepted in many U.S. cities, the subject of gay parenting did not come up for a very long time. "It was a taboo topic, it was really a taboo," he remembers.

Back then, "if you were going to be gay and out, the assumption was that you did not identify with the heterosexual models that had oppressed you, and a part inherent to the heterosexual model was parenting," said Braverman.

In those days, few people thought of gay people as being parents. "There was I think, both an expectation that you couldn't parent, and a sort of internalized sense that if you did, that you were somehow maligning or rejecting your gay sexuality, that you hadn't come to full terms with the fact that you were gay," recalls Braverman.

But in the last 20 years, things have changed dramatically, and continue to do so.

"I think that the future of gays and lesbians in this country, if not on this planet, will be dictated by the choice to procreate and parent. I think that the old model of being the spinster aunt, or eccentric old uncle is ... very outdated. The choices to not become parents were based on low-self esteem that was a byproduct of society's imposing negative impressions upon gays and lesbians. For me, the old days are old."

Gedalia's Journey Chapters 3 & 4

Chapter 3: The Science

The term Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) is traditionally associated with a range of services and treatments meant to aid couples who are experiencing infertility. However, in recent years the same techniques are being increasingly used by single individuals and same sex couples to start their own families, regardless of whether they have been diagnosed with an infertility problem.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention define ART as all fertility treatments in which both eggs and sperm are handled. This would exclude procedures in which only sperm are handled, such as the case of Intrauterine Insemination (IUI), also known as the turkey baster method, where the sperm is deposited directly into the uterine cavity, without the extraction of the woman's eggs. Another fertility procedure that is excluded from the ART definition is the case of a woman receiving only medication to stimulate egg production in order to increase chances of pregnancy, but without the intention of extracting the eggs.

The menu of fertility treatment procedures is extensive, and depending on the specific needs of prospective parents, a particular combination of services is prescribed.

In the case of single individuals or same sex couples, the most obvious need is that of a donation of genetic material in the form of either eggs or sperm. Assuming there are no fertility problems, a single woman or a lesbian couple, healthy and capable of carrying out a pregnancy, would only need a sperm donor in order to achieve conception.

To start a family, single men or gay male couples can provide their own sperm assuming no fertility problems exist. However, they need not only an egg donor, but also a gestational carrier, also known as a surrogate, a woman willing to carry the pregnancy to term.

In Braverman's case, his HIV positive status complicated things, as using his own sperm presents a risk of infection to the surrogate and the children.

There is a procedure called sperm washing, which many fertility clinics practice routinely prior to starting an IUI in order to increase chances of pregnancy.

Sperm washing consists of separating the sperm from the seminal fluid in order to produce a concentrated sperm sample, and the procedure can be accomplished through a variety of methods. Besides its benefits in increasing chances of pregnancy, special sperm washing techniques have been used to help HIV positive men use their own sperm in order to conceive.

The process rests on the assumption that HIV resides mainly in the seminal fluid of the HIV positive male, rather than in the sperm, and that by eliminating the infectious seminal fluid, the risk of infection to the woman and child is greatly reduced.

A majority of pregnancies achieved in this way have been successful, without infecting the woman carrying out the pregnancy or the child. However, because sperm washing was originally developed as part of a fertility treatment, it has only been practiced for the purpose of avoiding HIV infection since the mid 90s.

Sperm washing is not yet a widely used practice as not all HIV positive males qualify for the procedure and it is not 100% safe, having resulted in a few instances of mother and child becoming infected. The scientific community still debates its efficacy, making it a controversial procedure, and still a challenge to find a clinic that will perform it.

Braverman's choices for parenting were narrow. Fostering was not a good long term option. Adoption was unlikely due to his HIV status, and while being single did not automatically exclude him, it wouldn't make things easier.

And so he decided he would have to assemble all of the elements needed to create his family. He would need an egg donor, a sperm donor, a surrogate to carry the pregnancy, and a clinic that would put all of the elements together.

Chapter 4: The Sum of all Parts.

In most cases, ART procedures involving the donation of genetic material are done under conditions of strict anonymity. Prospective parents contact either a sperm bank or an egg donation clinic. They select their donor from a catalog, and in most cases, the parents and donor will never meet each other in person.

This separation through anonymity, along with contracts signed by all parties, is done with the intention of protecting the legal parents from potential custody battles in the future, if a donor were to try to claim parental rights.

However, to start out his family, Braverman wanted everything to be out in the open. "I didn't necessarily need someone who was going to be involved after the kids were born ... but I wanted someone who was going to be (there), if my children wanted to meet that person, talk to that person, hear about how they were conceived," he said.

So while Braverman has put the appropriate contracts in place that secure his position as the legal parent, the donors continue to be part of his and the children's lives.

Many parents would be uncomfortable with the idea of having the donor be a part of their child's life. But in Braverman's case, he wouldn't have it any other way. "More love for my children is better than less love ... if I have to be that overprotective and that concerned that I'm choosing the wrong people in my process, that scare me, then these are not the people I want to have biologically related to my children," he said.

And so, to welcome his children into the world with the proper support structure, he chose two good friends as his donors. Health and intelligence were his top priorities.

When looking for a sperm donor, Braverman wanted someone who had already gone through the experience of donating, and who would remain in contact afterwards. He approached a friend who had just done a donation for a lesbian couple. There had been leftover sperm which was stored and frozen, which his friend was willing to donate.

As he searched for an egg donor, Braverman began to spread the word. And then, she "just came to me," he said. "When I told her I was starting this project...she just immediately volunteered."

She was in her 20s, the time in a woman's life when the largest number of best quality eggs can be harvested. She also met Braverman's criteria for health and intelligence.

And best of all, she was already a friend, in fact, she was a niece to Braverman's best friend from college. "I knew her from the time she was born. And that whole family is a second family for me, it's as though I married into that family."

Having found the right donors, now remained the challenge of finding a gestational carrier. In the end, he was not able to find a friend who would volunteer. "Nobody was able, or emotionally willing, which is totally understandable, I think that's the biggest job," said Braverman.

Besides the obvious challenges of carrying a pregnancy, surrogacy involves a commitment for an extended period of time. In addition to expecting for nine months, the pregnancy is preceded by a few months of screening and the surrogate meeting with the parent.

So not only is it hard work and wearing on the body, it is also inherently risky and the time commitment of continuing a relationship with the parents can span to about a year and a half.

Braverman had a long list of priorities in mind when he embarked on the search for the woman who would give birth to his children. Of course, there is health.

But Braverman was also very aware of the deep attachment that can occur when a woman carries a child in her womb, even when the child is not her biological offspring. With this in mind, one of his top criteria was a woman with prior surrogacy experience, someone who knew what she was getting into.

In addition, he wanted her to had already been pregnant with her own children, and who had her own children, as opposed to having her own children and later giving them up for adoption. All this in order to ensure that "she already had her own familial attachment. That was important to me, I wasn't going to start the process with someone who is going to become emotionally involved in the pregnancy, feeling like it was her child when it wasn't," said Braverman.

He also wanted a surrogate who was in a relationship. "Married or unmarried, lesbian or straight, it didn't matter, but I wanted somebody who had the support structure in their life of a significant other," said Braverman.

After finding someone that satisfied all of the above criteria, he just needed to make sure they could get along well for the next year or so, so a match in personalities is also important. Braverman didn't want anyone who would be "racist, homophobic, prejudiced or have religious affiliations that would make them a bad match for me." He knew personal conflicts can result in bad pregnancies.

But he found the right match, and he was ready to get started.

Gedalia's Journey Chapters 1 & 2

Chapter 1: A Busy Dad

Gedalia Braverman makes parenting look easy. He weaves through the Costco aisles pushing a double stroller in front of him with one hand, while pulling a shopping cart behind with the other. People slow down to look at his gorgeous 11 month-old twins, -a boy and a girl, and they stop and stare just long enough for Braverman to make his way through.

Because all of his attention is on the stroller at the front, he is completely oblivious as he almost hits a shopper behind him with the shopping cart when he makes a turn. As he nears the completion of this errand, the twins start getting restless, so he quickly collects the last items from his shopping list.

He arrives at the checkout line and just as he’s done unloading the items from the cart, the twins start crying, screeching, in fact. While the cashier is adding it all up, Braverman deftly prepares two bottles of formula.

He takes two empty bottles from his large baby bag and puts them next to the checkstand conveyor belt. He pulls out a bottle of water, fills each of the empty baby bottles, adds some powder formula, screws the tops on, and gives them a shake.

The twins are still screeching, and Braverman tries to calm them down. “I’m making a bottle, OK, no crying, you see that I’m making it, right? You know that I’m making it. Very good.”

Despite the chaos of having the babies crying at the checkout line, with all eyes on him as he frantically prepares the bottles, Braverman keeps his cool and uses a calm tone when speaking to his children.

Braverman turns 50 this December. He is a gay single father, and he couldn’t be happier.

His twins were born thanks to the modern technology of assisted reproduction, and with the help of his friends.

In last June’s newsletter for Pacific Fertility Center, the clinic that helped Braverman become a parent, he describes the story of his journey.

“They say it takes a village to raise a child. In my case it took a village to create a child. Thanks to a loving gestational surrogate, and longtime friends as both egg and sperm donors, my dream of parenting has come true,” he writes.

Chapter 2: A Life Story in a Nutshell

“I knew I wanted children from the time I was a child, and I started thinking of planning on becoming a parent when I was 18,” remembers Braverman. In fact, he had it all planned out. He would go through college, work for a few years, and start having children at 30.

“I think it’s a lot of heterosexual people’s plan. Not necessarily a lot of homosexual people’s plans. Maybe today…But in the 1970s it wasn’t necessarily something that people thought about. Or they thought about but didn’t talk about. So this was always a plan for me,“ he said.

However, many obstacles would get in the way of his plan throughout the years. For starters, in 1985, when Braverman was 24 or 25 years old and living in New York, he was diagnosed with HIV. Because there was no test to confirm the presence of antibodies until 1985, he believes it’s “very possible that I was infected several years earlier.”

And so he gave up his dreams of fatherhood. Most of the people around him who were infected were dying within a year or two. “I continued my life as though I was going to live, but didn’t really know how long I had,“ he remembers.

Eventually Braverman reached the age of 30, and seeing as how he remained alive much longer than he had expected, he felt new hope, and in 1990 he moved to San Francisco. “At the top of my agenda was starting a family, because I felt I had a good chance I wasn’t gonna die, so I restarted my process in 1990.”

In the early 90s he registered with the city of San Francisco to become a foster parent and went through the training.

However, there is always a chance that a court might decide a child needs to be taken from the foster parent for a variety of reasons.

The conditions of foster parenting discouraged Braverman. “I didn’t want to have children come into my life who were probably going to leave my life.” So he decided that if he was going to become a parent, he would have to look into other options.

Because of his HIV status he was excluded from regular adoption at many agencies. There is no actual regulation prohibiting HIV positive people from adopting. The Americans with Disabilities Act prohibits adoption agencies from discriminating on the basis of disability, and lists HIV among the conditions that constitute protected disabilities.

While agencies cannot discriminate against a person based solely on a disability, they must ensure that a child's long term needs will be met. Despite the advances in medicine that now allow HIV positive people to live healthy lives indefinitely, some adoption agencies still regard the infection as a life-threatening condition, greatly reducing the chances of parenting through adoption for this population.

Because of these obstacles, Braverman even contemplated international adoption at one point. But once again, life would take him on a different path.

He was an HIV and AIDS grassroots activist, and for some time, the work engulfed his life. Later on he started his own business as a general contractor doing home renovations, and in the course of ten years or so one business evolved into another. “Next thing I knew I was 45.”

At the time he was 40, Braverman was in a happy relationship, but his partner did not want to have children. “Originally he said never, and then after... a few years he said he would consider it. But his heart wasn’t in it,” he remembers.

At one point, he was so content in his relationship, he thought maybe he could do without having children. “But I really wanted to have children, it was really always my life’s ambition.”

About three years ago, Braverman finally made up his mind that it was time to start a family, and in the summer of 2007, when he and his partner knew they would be splitting up, he started doing research on assisted reproduction.