When Braverman began telling his friends and family that he was finally going to become a parent, nobody was all that shocked, after all, they knew of his lifelong dream. The surprise came when he told them his relationship was ending, and that he would be embarking on the journey as a single parent. Oh and by the way, he wanted twins.
Braverman had dreamed not only of parenting, but of having multiple children. Having one pregnancy was costing him approximately $150,000. Not to mention the entire process takes about a year. For each additional pregnancy he would have to pay the amount and invest the time all over again.
He was starting the process at 48, and would be 49 when a child was born, if all went well. "I didn't want to have another child at 51, 52. I also didn't know whether I was going to get pregnant the first time," he said. In some cases, if things don't all go smoothly, it can take years to successfully conceive and carry a term.
"So given that, I really wanted to have as many kids as possible, as quickly as possible, within reason." While a twin pregnancy carries more risks than a singleton, Braverman's surrogate had carried twins before, increasing her chances of a successful pregnancy.
With this added confidence, the doctors at San Francisco's Pacific Fertility Center agreed to transfer two embryos. Sometimes, when dealing with infertility problems, more embryos will be implanted in order to increase the chances of one of them succeeding. However, PFC took a conservative approach and only allowed for the transfer of two.
Both embryos made it through, and for some time, Braverman thought he was having two girls, until an ultrasound revealed it would be a boy and a girl. The pregnancy went well for some time, but then there were complications that required the surrogate to take bed rest. "Her life and the children's life were at risk and it was very touch and go the last couple of months," said Braverman.
Finally, the delivery day came, and it was also difficult. The surrogate was in labor all day and in a lot of pain. "It was hard seeing her go through that, she was very gracious about the whole thing," said Braverman.
Because of the twins, the birth had to take place in an operating room, rather than a birthing room, so only Braverman and the surrogate's husband were inside for the actual delivery. However, outside, everyone involved was present: Braverman's mother, his best friend, the egg donor, the surrogate's mother, sister and grandmother in law.
The surrogate was in the hospital for two days prior to the birth, but always accompanied by one of the people in the support network.
Despite the long hours of pain and uncertainty, Braverman felt supported by the hospital staff. "Not a lot of hospitals deal with single gay men, coming in to become a single parent of twins, and I wanted to make sure that the entire environment around the birth was one that affirmed me and my family to be."
In the end, the pregnancy was a success and Braverman became the father of healthy baby twins. Unfortunately, the surrogate ended up loosing her uterus.
"I felt horrible, I felt really horrible about it. Even though for months prior to the delivery of the children, she was clear that she did not want to have any more children, nor did she want to be a surrogate again," remembers Braverman.
"Even after the hysterectomy (she) told me repeatedly that she had no regrets ... and she was so happy for me to have been able to become a father, and our relationship continues, so it speaks of what kind of person she is."
Chapter 6: We've Come a Long Way
Braverman has seen a lot of changes in his day. Even when homosexuality was relatively accepted in many U.S. cities, the subject of gay parenting did not come up for a very long time. "It was a taboo topic, it was really a taboo," he remembers.
Back then, "if you were going to be gay and out, the assumption was that you did not identify with the heterosexual models that had oppressed you, and a part inherent to the heterosexual model was parenting," said Braverman.
In those days, few people thought of gay people as being parents. "There was I think, both an expectation that you couldn't parent, and a sort of internalized sense that if you did, that you were somehow maligning or rejecting your gay sexuality, that you hadn't come to full terms with the fact that you were gay," recalls Braverman.
But in the last 20 years, things have changed dramatically, and continue to do so.
"I think that the future of gays and lesbians in this country, if not on this planet, will be dictated by the choice to procreate and parent. I think that the old model of being the spinster aunt, or eccentric old uncle is ... very outdated. The choices to not become parents were based on low-self esteem that was a byproduct of society's imposing negative impressions upon gays and lesbians. For me, the old days are old."
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